Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Shining the Light in Dark Places

Today is a day I never want to experience again. I realized something today that has completely upset me.  I am the heaviest I have ever been in my life. The last few months have been terrible and I keep on packing on the pounds.  The crappy thing is that those pounds are sneaky little buggers and I didn't realize how many had began to invade this body of mine.

Yesterday I got back from a twelve day road trip with my sister and her family.  It was a great trip and we visited so many amazing places.  I was on vacation. I ate like I was on vacation. I sat a lot in the car. I didn't work out as much as I could of.  We did do a lot of walking through New York City and Washington D.C., but that was about the extent of my exercise.

This afternoon I went out for a run.  My back and my neck have really been bothering me lately and I finally figured it out.  I'm out of shape, I'm carrying a lot of extra weight and my body is starting to pay the price.  My run today was AWFUL! I warmed up by walking a mile and then I told myself that I had to run one full mile before I could walk again.  It should be easy for me, but it wasn't.  Its never been so hard and I wanted to quit.  My whole body was in pain and my left leg was killing me.  I forced myself to finish that mile and then I started walking again.  My legs continued to throb and all I wanted to do was cry.

A few hours later my nephew asked me to go outside and play some basketball.  At first I wanted to say no and to continue working on a few things on my computer.  But then I realized two things: First, this was a great opportunity to do some bonding with my twelve year old nephew and two, its extra exercise that I know I could use.  We started playing and once again I wanted to cry.  My back hurt, I was huffing and puffing, and I was so weak.  Basketball is a game that I love with all my heart and I haven't played in months and as I played tonight I realized how much I miss it. I also realized that if I were to go out and play in a real game of basketball right now I honestly wouldn't last more than two minutes.  So frustrating!

If you read my previous posts you see that I've been fighting demons lately.  At the back of my mind I know what I want to do and what I need to do.  But I keep letting it fester at the back of my mind rather than letting it come forward, rather than letting the demons out and replacing their dark caves with light.

I had no idea the effect that food can have on a person, especially on me.  Bad food totally affects my mood and zaps away all of my energy.  I love to workout and I love to run and when I combine those with healthy eating I feel like I'm at the top of my game and that nothing can stop me.  But even if I'm working out and I'm eating the bad stuff (sugar, processed foods, fast food) I start to lose the energy and my desire to work out goes away.

My body hurts. My heart hurts. And I'm tired of feeling like crap. My belly is getting huge. My clothes are getting tighter and tighter. I'm getting very uncomfortable in my own skin and I HATE IT!

Because I do tend to be an optimistic person, I will point out the positive in my day.  I started using My Fitness Pal again and I stayed within my calorie limit.  I did run one mile today (and walked three)! I played basketball with my nephew and even beat him in a game of one on one (I do have a one foot height advantage).  I found my will power again (I hadn't realized it was lost until today). I've decided that I am in control. My body is a gift from God and it is the house of my spirit. I want to give my spirit a better home.

I was reminded of something incredibly important when it comes to fighting off our demons: LIGHT will ALWAYS get rid of the dark.  Our demons hide out in the dark places of our minds and our hearts and when we find those places and shine the LIGHT on them, the demons will vanish away.  They do not have a choice.  LIGHT will ALWAYS win. I have the LIGHT within me and now is the time to SHINE THE LIGHT.

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